Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well it's almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!

   The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.

   How much will the $590 million Powerball winner pay in taxes? The IRS says they won't know until they learn if she's a Republican or a Democrat.

   Major blackout in India....looks like everybody who needs tech support is screwed.

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   Pharmaceutical Generics: Tylenol=acetamophen, Aleve=naproxen, Advil=ibuprofen. Viagara=mycoxafloppin.

   I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumbass

   Random thought of the day: If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?

   So much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist

   Facebook Commandment III: Thou shall not set thy profile pic as some hot celebrity even if thou looketh like an ugly mongoose

   My wife tried to buy something online yesterday.... Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive?

   Like a good Neighbor, Stay over there.

   The Pill, the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.

   I hate a liar more than a thief, a thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!