Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.