Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.

   Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke

   A pair of lovin couple went to a hotel one night. After finishin their ''business'', suddenly the guy saw a photo in his gf's wallet. ''Is that ur ex my dear? tell me pls cuz I don't mind about ur past'' ''Really? Good! that was me before the surgery(:

   I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.

   I wonder if James Franco is the first Oscar host to ever host the entire ceremony high as a kite.

   thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

   Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....

   based on your status updates I've come to the conclusion that you enjoy being miserable and I have no sympathy for you.

   Dear Boss, Life is full of surprises. I'm not coming into work today. SUPRISE!!

   I hate it when I have to smile at all the old people I come across just to reassure them that I am not a teenage thug up to no good.

   This Fathers Day I would like to thank Maury Povich for his relentless efforts helping many people in the ghetto enjoy a normally very confusing day.....

   "I can't go. I have to stay home and stare at my wife." - All my married friends

   Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

   Any man who turns water into wine is a friend of mine.

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   My small-town police dept has 2 armored vehicles and a grenade launcher just in case someone forgets to pay for their Caramel Macchiato.

   Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   I'm pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday..... I should probably "unblock" them and check.

   All of your panties become g-strings if you have a big enough ass.