Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can have anything you want, if you lower your expectations enough.

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.

   anyone who says "I hate to break it to you", can't f#$^ing wait to break it to you.

   I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."

   Need to stop drinking this....its like 50 million Beyonces on the stage all of a sudden......

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   If being supportive means to stand there and pretend to listen. Then, yes I am extremely supportive.

   This beer sure tastes like I'm on vacation next week!!!

   It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies

   A good way to get your wife to listen to you is to talk to another woman.

   going to celebrate national left handed day by cheating on my right hand

   I guess I could learn from my mistakes, but it just sounds like too much work.

   If a zombie apocalypse ever really happened, I imagine it would look something like the grocery aisles at Walmart around 4pm.

   The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

   I'm Thankful you all are neglecting your families to keep me entertained here!

   When it comes to bacon, I have as much self control as a kitten faced with a large ball of string...

   Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn't have sex. Just like being married again.

   Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon

   Wedding Rings - the world's smallest handcuffs.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a boy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two