Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   glad that we have today to appreciate such great Presidents as Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford Hayes, and of course... Warren G. Harding.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!

   "Hey, yall watch this sh*t." is always followed by an emergency room visit at my family reunion.

   n't it strange how so many Media and Journalism Outlets are condemning Wikileaks for doing just what Journalists used to do?

   it possible to start the impeachment process before anyone even wins the election?

   Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.

   Bill Clinton is the only Democrat who is happy right now because it wasn't his Wiener that got Hillary in trouble

   [grocery produce aisle]... ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?.. CLERK: No, why do you ask?... CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

   NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.

   Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.

   Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.

   The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, and the salami is hatching from its own egg. Why did I even come into the Salvador Deli?

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"