Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   So how did Amish.com happen?

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.

   Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3