Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   When I look at you, I can hear music.

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...