Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage. 
Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.
You can sell your left over weight watchers points on ebay.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.
Well well well teddy bear at CVS not looking so smug now that you're 75% off.
You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?
911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY
A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.
Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials
My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.
When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.
According to state law, the other people waiting at the DMV are required to have a bad smell.
First Law of Holes is: If you are in one .... Stop Digging.
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.
If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.
No f***ing way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
Legally only qualifies as a hootenanny if it takes place in Kentucky or West Virginia.
You want to seduce me? Try a little Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most … 