Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone here said that bullying and insulting people, for no good reason, means you're doing things right. When did humanity get so stupid?

   The only problem with sport fishing is that the fish have a home field advantage.

   I have to get with the times on this social media stuff. All this time I thought Instagram was a convenient way to obtain cocaine.

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".

   You unfriended me on Facebook because I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday on FB? That's a little harsh Mom.

   You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   If somebody just joined Facebook now either their 10 year prison stint is over or they're newly separated.

   My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal pound for pound.

   By the time I get all these condoms unwrapped I had absolutely no interest in making balloon animals.

   Finally took my first selfie, and I think I heard Siri throw up a little in her mouth.

   I am neither analytically or emotionally intelligent enough to process the last 3 days so I'm just going to stand in a dark room and frown.

   If only there were some way to be outraged by BOTH the brutal murders of brave cops AND the brutal murders of innocent citizens

   I think my neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm not very good at gardening.

   Lady, I hope this doesn't surprise you but I am pretty sure your boobs go inside your shirt.

   You know you're old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian

   I thought there'd be more sex during my sexual prime.

   I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitos.