Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if he can grow weed on farmville and sell it on mafia wars........Moscow....

   who is the biggest prostitute alive? Mrs. pacman , because for 25 cents that bi*ch will swallow balls until she dies!

   In an effort to clear the streets of Ferguson, Mo, local authorities have hired the services of Tony Stewart

   LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?

   An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   With the success of "Teen Mom" as well as "16 & Pregnant," MTV is proud to announce their new show "15 & F*cking."

   grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   WARNING: If you get an email or Facebook message titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," DO NOT OPEN IT! ...It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

   Time for Joe to resign in disgrace.

   doesn't make mistakes, she dates them

   Snow on da ground.... Snow on da ground... drivin' like a fool when there's snow on da ground....look at ya now... car spinning 'round.... drivin' like a fool when there's snow on da ground...

   Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

   So, the woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants, lost custody. Sources close to the little girl say she wasn't surprised by the news. Or maybe she was. It's hard to tell.

   Thinking about free healthcare and how much it's going to cost me?

   dated a blind girl once. Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :.

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   thinks Donald Trump needs to produce a birth certificate for that thing living on his head.

   hates when people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

   The worst part about banging a chinese women is half hour later you want to bang another ..