Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I wouldn't give for one of those push button secret trap door pitfall things in front of my desk today!

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   would like a minute of your time dear friends...I'm collecting them in order to create an extra hour for me to sleep!

   At least Bin Laden doesn't have to watch dancing with the stars anymore

   Sometimes Karma does not even want to get involved, it just wants to sit and watch because it knows, sooner or later, they are bound to screw up all by themselves.

   Today I met a FOOL who has both, his girlfriend and her mother as friends on his Facebook.

   What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush"

   Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you're in trouble.

   there may be a me in team.. but, there's 3 u's in "shut the fu*k up"

   People who wear masks while driving are the reason why Pop Tarts come with instructions.

   “can we contact your previous employer to find out what you were like on the job?” sure as long as I can contact your previous employee to find out what you did to drive them away

   Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

   I think we'll be seeing a lot more of Alec Baldwin on SNL the next few years.

   At the bar last night, some woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note, I suck at Darts.

   If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning it"

   America is no longer a nation that believes in the "Rule of Law" ..... We have now descended into a nation of "Mob Justice" .... God help us all ...

   Canada is like a really nice apartment above a meth lab .

   Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

   I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.