Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   When a woman says "the girls" I automatically assume she is talking about her boobs, not her actual friends.

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

   What a beautiful world it would be if only boobs were the answer to all the world's problems.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I'm about to be murdered.

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.

   Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   You have no idea how happy I get when p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Do I need to pee on you to mark my property? Cause I will.

   I have reached that point of my day where no more productivity is possible...

   I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.

   To all you that think you can sing and/or rap. You can't. Signed: everyone.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   I know two wrongs doesn't make a right, but I'm determined to find out just how many wrongs will.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.