Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gas is dropping...we must have secured an oil rig in the middle east...

   I wonder if the female equivalent of the c0ckblock is the beaver dam.

   Confession: After midnight, I only let SOME of it hang out.

   They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

   Just discovered: A cup of noodles consists of two noodles, a half mile long.

   My favorite part of the day is when theres food

   Life is all about deciding how much crazy you can live with.

   Thank you everyone who group text me with Merry Christmas. I just woke up to hundreds of "you too" texts from people I don't know....fml

   Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.

   Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…

   I think being the winner of the Great American SPAM Recipe Contest is a perfect example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   Florida inmates said to have some crazy "Bieber Fever" today. ‪

   I wonder how much of a deduction I would get in figure skating by having to keep one hand on the wall the whole time?

   I'm pleased to say that I just used some germ-X and got rid of 99.9% of germs on both my hands and probably got them back while typing this

   October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.

   We would like to thank the NY Giants for their participation in the 2013 NFL season. Please pick up your consolation prize at the door on your way out. Thank you

   I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   This Facebook is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.

   Sometimes it is best not to talk unless you can improve on the silence.