Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   Maybe I should have just gotten in the van.

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.

   If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

   How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?