Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hard to make your coffee when you haven't had your coffee.

   Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.

   The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."

   To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

   So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to "sacrifice." Women do not like this term. Always say "prioritize."

   The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.

   Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.

   I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!

   Doesn’t matter if she changes her relationship status on Facebook. Until she leaves her toothbrush at your place. She’s not your girlfriend.

   Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!

   Ladies: When you paint your toe nails, please shave the hair off your big toe. Thanks.

   ''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever

   Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.

   If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job.

   The MVP award last night should've been given to that kid from the Audi commercial. He was the player with the biggest balls.

   Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Food picture. Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!