Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   Sorry if you don't like my Honesty. But to be fair I don't like your lies

   It's impossible for a woman to say 'I'm not overreacting' without screaming.

   I feel like I am watching two middle aged house wives arguing over whose cookie recipe is better.

   I just made 8 cinnamon rolls disappear. I'm the saddest magician ever.

   All that Felix proved Sunday was that Redbull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute

   The adult me is just the child me with severe lower back pain....

   Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.

   Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.

   How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.

   I accidently switched my TV to the Aljezeera station and now there's a helicopter over my house...

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   Someday my neighbors will describe me as "Just a quiet guy who kept to himself."

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   Any guy that makes your girl laugh…pull your head out of your ass and start worrying about him.

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.

   I came across a show called "It's Me or the Dog"......I gotta say that I was immensely disappointed when I found that it wasn't a game show where people had to guess who farted...

   Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who's sick of her bulls hit.

   Dear pro athletes. It doesn't matter how big your contract is, in 5 years you'll be just as bankrupt...