Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and digiorno, there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice as well.

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever

   The back of every furniture assembly manual should have a coupon for couples counseling.

   People, put a dollar in the jar every time you masturbate. Trust me on this. {Sent from my yacht}

   If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines

   the replacement referees in the NFL are actually footlocker employees taken from the nearest mall to the stadium

   I think there should be an internation law mandating that Kate Beckinsale wear black latex body suits 365 days a year.

   "Hold on, I look like S H I T." {grabs Chanel bag}, "OK, better...Let's go" - Some hood rat chick

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch

   I phoned up a big company today to complain. I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?" The snooty woman on the phone replied, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN." I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water... it's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola."

   Reports from Afghanistan say that the Marine Special Forces have been seen wearing t-shirts that read:It`s God`s job to forgive Bin Laden. It was our job to arrange the meeting! ~United States Marine Corps~

   Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.

   Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”

   Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

   Putting a pretty shirt over your muffin top does not make you a cupcake

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"

   Dear Alcohol... Will you be my valentine? ♥

   Whenever I see a fat white girl smoking a Newport I know a mulatto baby is on the way.