Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.

   buying bottles rockets and crown royal! good day to be a grown-up

   I'd rather watch highlights from a WNBA game than listen to ESPN talk about Johnny Manziel and A-Rod again.

   This is the worst self help forum I have ever read.

   maybe Disney should start having there girls sign contracts before making them famous. Like, "I Promise I will not be America's next pop wh*re if I get this part..."

   "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.

   I have been informed that my problems now have problems...I find this to be problematic.

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

   The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me

   What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

   I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...

   Sometimes a guy will say he’s “fine” when in fact he’s actually fine.

   If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I'll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark

   Our kids are losing their imagination....hopefully soon they will have an app for that!!

   If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

   I walk around with a toothpick in my mouth so crimininals know not to mess with me.

   I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.

   Some lady just told me that she was terrible at math and that she flunked "algeber". I'm sure she excelled in English class though.

   I may not be right but I'm a beautiful piece of wrong.