Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this were Lord of the Flies, you'd be dead already.

   Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.

   come to the conclusion, that boxer briefs are like a bra for my balls

   Dear Hillary Clinton: Unlike Liberal Democrats ..... Being Inept and Absolutely Flippant and Negligent with secure US secrets and total disregard for Security Protocol are not exactly the best qualifications that I am looking for in a President.

   Steve Harvey... The happiest man in America today.

   Forty percent of sports fans leave games with alcohol in their blood, according to the dumbest study ever conducted.

   Lying through your teeth doesn't count as flossing

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   You do know that you stand a better chance of being attacked by a polar ninja than winning the megamillions

   I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.

   Nowadays People know the price of everything, But the value of nothing.

   Sometimes I wish I didn't live with this curse of being so awesome.

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....

   Someday, anthropologists will look back at these "mirror self-portraits" and refer to this time as the Bathroom Era.

   my common sense is tingling.

   Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'

   My little girl is an adult now! Happy 18th Birthday Justin Bieber. :)

   Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the b0ner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.

   Its a dog, not an accessory! Get that poor thing outta your purse lady!!

   Tip: Always say the stain on your shirt is from today.