Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!