Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

   it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.