Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   What it all boils down to is evaporation.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?