Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   What it all boils down to is evaporation.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”