Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   Kim jong nu looks like a korean garden gnome

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.