Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook"No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   in desperate need of a padded room and a Thorazine drip..

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   When life leaves you speechless, music provides the lyrics to help you find the meaning...

   Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.

   Eggnog....I get the egg part but, what the hell is "nog"

   thankful for unlimited text messages.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   This just in WIKILEAKS plans to reveal what you are getting for Xmas......

   The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

   An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her

   it's also Enunciate, not ANnunciate. ;)

   Constipated People Don't Give A crap

   I'd still choose rock over paper in a real fight.

   Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late."

   I can tell when were expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser.

   I ran this morning and there was nothing chasing me. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.