Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   Look I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was young rainbows were black and white..

   Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   Can't think of a better way to end pride month

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.