Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I offend you in any way, please let me know so I can do it again.

   Really hate how some of my friends try to fish for compliments with their posts that say "post one word that reminds you of me" I always post back, I can't think of one word, but there are two that really stand out to me.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   I trust you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do tonight

   I got an idea for MTV....Film The Real world at my house....The real world, where your wallet is empty and your mailbox if full of bills!

   just because he knows he's smarter than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   - I am looking for my Valentine's Day Date on the Casual Encounters Section of Craigslist.

   - Of course, the great thing about tomorrow is that all of those heart shaped Russell Stover's and Whitman's sampler boxes will be 50% off.

   found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on...not sure which one.

   can't seem to remember to forget you

   Censorship is █ very ██████ █████ in █████ ██████...

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was "The Twilight Zone" and not "The Nightly News."

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.