Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.....

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   ugh! I just found hundreds of worker ants in my porch and it looks like they are forming some sort of unemployment line.

   I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't.

   seeking a meaningful overnight relationship

   If I were president the first thing I'd do is put Kansas City in Kansas.

   I would have to disagree... I don't believe a witches tit is this cold....

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   People who win the lottery always say something like, "I never imagined it would happen to me." Bullshi*t, everyone imagines winning the lottery!

   The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   A couple who had been together for 25yrs and raised 10 children was asked what the secret to staying together was. The wife replied ''Many years ago we made an agreement that the first one to leave has to take all the children with them!!!''

   How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?

   When a woman says "fine" what she really means is "I'm going to say things are fine but they really aren't and I will later throw it back in your face."

   ‎90 people have swine flu(H1N1), and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom

   I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers

   Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare!

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.