Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!

   Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.

   Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?" The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."

   I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?

   Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face

   wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no

   Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.

   Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

   Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue