Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ate all my oreos and were always peeing on my toilet seat.

   Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head...

   Someone just told me that everything that I see in the internet isn't true.......so does that mean that there's no beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

   just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream

   That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.