Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is stitched together with vices.

   To keep the kids occupied all day on Easter, only hide 3 eggs for the Earter egg hunt.

   Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation

   No matter what happens in life, NEVER give up on my dreams. That is why I sleep till noon.

   From Cuddly to Stabby in 60 seconds. - a memoir

   I'm impressed. Someone went to a lot of trouble to turn this Waffle House into a Waffle Home.

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned or she wants to be part of your plan

   If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.

   Ever wake up, look in the mirror, and wonder why Courtney Love is in your bathroom?

   I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)

   My memory is so bad that.............

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.