Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hey. My eye is up here." - hurricanes

   Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?

   Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   I'm so old I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Just cant remember where and when that was?

   It's snowing! And I think I'll go outside now for 30 seconds to take a selfie so all my Facebook friends can see how much I love the snow.

   Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.

   I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.

   If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

   day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?

   I see house flies in the house...horse flies near horses...so why do I never see dragon flies on episodes of Game of Thrones?

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers

   We really do need a rating system for movies so children won't be influenced by watching the wrong movies.

   Being single is like "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (...Wow, thanks. I feel so special!)

   Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.