Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.

   There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

   I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

   New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.

   *checks real estate listings on other planets*

   If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*

   Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

   The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.

   Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

   Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

   If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?

   While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

   I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

   Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.

   Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife I turn all of the shampoo bottles right side up in the shower.

   Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now

   My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

   Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.