Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.

   Humble Pie is my least favourite kind of Pie.

   Lampposts and hydrants are basically Facebook for dogs.

   I need to meet new people to ignore.

   writing fictional textmessages so I won't look like i'm lonely..

   Finds it funny that people really take some of these prescription pills that two of the side effects are swelling of the tongue and death...

   Who needs a brain when you fall deeply in love?

   The after Easter prices of Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are one of life's simple but not quite free pleasures.

   Canadian thanksgiving this weekend. Don’t forget to eat a beaver.

   Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

   If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?

   Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

   Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind

   Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

   I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

   Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

   Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!

   This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.

   I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...