Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   I'm compiling my 2018 resolutions now, just because I know I can procrastinate some times..

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager

   Remember when 'sex,drugs & rocknroll meant something other than 'sundays, anti-depressants & turn it down?'

   I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.. Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.

   My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.