Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   the dentist says I need a crown. I'm like "I know, right? "

   I talk a lot about sex for someone who doesn’t remember it.

   I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.

   I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.

   It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..

   Why the hell is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time!

   Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.

   I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.

   I think I may have been abducted by aliens last night. At about 2AM I blinked and the next thing I knew it was 3AM .. a whole hour I can't account for....

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling