Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the best part of not having a life...is not having to worry about a mid-life crisis

   strongly abides by the motto: "Safety third."

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   I'm doing what I've always done... Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

   Today is a whole new day to f*ck up!

   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.

   Many advertisers are taking Tiger Woods' name out of their advertisements because the association is becoming too embarrassing. In a related story, New Jersey is thinking of removing their name from the Nets.

   when everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

   Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

   trying to complete his Margaritaville. I still need that lost shaker of salt, 5th of tequila, some fresh lime juice, triple sec, and a flip flop. Thanks guys!

   I went into a drug store for preparation H, Sportscream for sore muscles, and toothpaste.The cashier asked how I was doing… I couldn't resist... I looked at her and said, As long as I don't get these three tubes mixed up I should be alright.

   thinks there should be a day called masculinity awareness day, where a man must do something manly, like fight a bear, eat meat, or write a poem about his feelings... then burn it!

   says....I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" they said. I said "But you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"

   There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.”

   spinning in his new office chair so I am away, now I am back, away again and back.

   This is a test of the Facebook Status Message System. The user of this status has developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this was an actual emergency, I sure as hell wouldn't still be here but running around screamin

   I'll put a bird bath in my yard when the birds install a car wash in my garage.

   going to start a rival site to Facebook. Not to compete with Facebook but for your rivals. You could get in touch with all your arch-enemies, and show how much you dislike them.