Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   I'm waiting for them to dump Col. Sanders. Last thing we need right is a fried chicken pitchman who looks like a southern plantation owner.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.

   If you want to save some money, now might be a good opportunity to tell your kids that Santa did not survive the pandemic

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

   We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!