Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?

   I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...

   A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   When I first heard of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' I initially thought it was supposed to be a Star Trek show about the Klingon rivals...

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   I keep staring into the sky and I still cannot figure out which cloud has all my data.

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   Day 4 without net neutrality: the kids found a half eaten raccoon we can eat. Grandma is wandering the streets looking for Candy Crush lives. We’re burning furniture to stay warm.

   I take my irresponsibilities seriously.