Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

   [first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   I should have been a geologist. Everyday, I manage to hit a new rock bottom.

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”

   Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.