Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

   May your coffee kick in before reality does.

   Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

   Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

   “That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians

   My back has gone out more than I have this year.

   The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

   Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”

   I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.