Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   "Nice mask' Me firting in 2020

   We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

   May your coffee kick in before reality does.

   Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

   Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

   “That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians

   My back has gone out more than I have this year.

   The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

   Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”