Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever look at your ex while thinking "was I drunk for our whole relationship?

   I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.

   It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   Useless people are the worst complainers

   The first time sleeping over a girl's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying...still single

   Why is my local porn store having a “Back to School” sale?

   Unlucky people are those who break their nose even when they fall backwards.

   ...Unique is an understatement, I'm just plain ol' messed up.

   Until the protestors organize a occupy bourbon street, they are pretty much on their on...

   Most of the time, I'd RATHER talk to the hand.

   I'm dragging ass today. I don't know how dogs wipe like this, it hurts like hell.

   I hate it when the same commercial plays two times in a row.

   Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results. In other words, I just logged into Facebook.

   I don't leave voicemails because I know they aren't listened to. Yet, if someone calls me and doesn't leave one, my first thought is that it wasn't important enough for me to call them back.

   If you really want a great, fulfilling life you have to work very hard for ..... hold on a sec, they're about to draw the lottery numbers

   I don't care what you are having for dinner unless I'm invited to join you.

   still trying to use The Force to start my car...

   FYI, strawberry shampoo does not taste like strawberrys