Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”