Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl said someone is trying to get into the house, should I call 911 ? I said no call 811. Why? Cause you always call miss Dig before digging a hole!

   If the employee parking lot is full, you should get to go back home.

   If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, someone is gonna have Snooki as their mom.

   Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.

   Have you seen my thumb ring?" ~ my proctologist

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you have to admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, No, first a Gibson, then a Fender

   I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

   It's taken 66 years for me to realize two things: Pizza and steak are overrated.

   Summer is not officially over, so settle down you pumpkin spice perverts!

   Do actual ladies exist anymore, or is it all just washed up man Ioathing bar sIut bimbos flipping the bird in their profile pics?

   Facebook reels are mostly chunky broads stuffed into clothes like a sausage.

   For some reason, the press seems more concerned with "BIack Man Killed By Police", than "Police KiIIed By BIack Man."

   Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

   I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

   My doctor says I only have one diabete.

   My neightbor accross the hall fed his pet snake a viagra now it's a walkin stick

   Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing..

   If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

   Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.