Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in line at Wal-Mart and the customer in front of me had a perfectly trimmed, full, beautiful mustache, so I commented and paid a kind compliment. Then out of nowhere, she grabbed her purse, gave me a dirty look, and stormed off. Some people.....

   Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

   I’m creating a new perfume for introverts. It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

   Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

   I once had a job with the FBI's Hostage Negotiation Team. Every time I tried to call in sick they talked me out of it.

   Probably switching from Verizon. Sent my wife a text saying “I’m your lover forever and I owe you all my affection” and their stupid autocorrect changed it to “I have liver failure and I owe you all my affliction”

   I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

   my parents didn’t raise an idiot I actually did that all by myself

   Hey, Baby is your name Pfizer? Because you make my heart stop.

   If you swear an oath to always use the same furniture polish, do you have to recite the Allegiance of Pledge?

   Right and wrong are not for sure The castle made of sand will fall One thing is certain Heart and heart

   2 years ago I forgot to get halloween candy so I put a bowl out with some pre rolled joints ! I got 6 kids ! Last year , 673 stoners got chips

   Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me to "relax...it's only gas".

   Took some kids to Disneyland and overheard a 13 year old boy wondering if he may be pansexual since he loves skillets,” The movie "Idiocracy" had nothing on this woke society

   So, where are the "Why does the military only get one day" people? I mean surely if its important and they care, surely theyd mention it in the last 3 months, right?

   Why do Ziploc bags & trash bags come in a box? I guess the companies can't use bags

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.

   what do asians do when they have Erections? Vote

   If anyone wants a list of my favourite Bugs Bunny quotes, I'll send them to you in a WhatsApp doc