Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July. 🤔

   I saw this kid dressed as Batman. He was walking around with his alive parents. What a poser.

   Dear Autocorrect: It's never "duck." It is NEVER "duck."

   I have plenty of mini boxes of raisins for the Trick-Or-Treaters. (Yeah, I'm THAT guy...)

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a hobo for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.

   I no longer want to go through things that don't kill me but make me stronger.

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids...

   Now, all we need is Nancy to be home

   Last year's most expensive vehicle to operate was the Apollo Lunar Roving Vehicle. This year it is the Grocery Cart.

   My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car.

   Some one wrote on the back of my neighbors work van, ' Wish my wife was this dirty'.... so under it I wrote ' She and her boyfriend is when you are at work

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember this. you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   I expect Twitter to remain mostly the same under Elon except it’ll somehow get massive federal subsidies and occasionally burst into flames

   My dad always told me "Theres 4 kinds of people, Those who can count and those who cant"

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force within this group - as if a hemorrhoid outbreak of epic proportions suddenly stole the sense of humor from every soul in here, and the likes and laughs were suddenly silenced..... ~Obi-Wan

   Not sure what kinda jokes get a laugh in here, but wow - haven't seen one with more likes than unlikes in months - tough crowd these days. I guess it's just a sign of the times....

   Costco - the only store you go into for cheap toilet paper and come out with 40 pounds of cheese, 3-dozen muffins, and a 5-gallon bucket of Tide Pods...

   Cooking Tip #142: If you use a good quality olive oil in a shallow non-stick pan, it will help the Kale to slide off much faster into the garbage can where it belongs....

   This new deodorant label said "remove cap and push up bottom". Now my armpits still stink and my buttcheeks burn, but every time I pass gas the room smells like Old Spice...

   At age 90 William Shatner became the oldest person to go to space, when he paid to go on the Blue Origin capsule. I just wanna know if he bought his ticket on Priceline.com....