Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How did we miss the opportunity to call "bleaching your butthole" "changing your ring tone"?

   OK... A GUY WHO ACTS LIKE HE'S SLASH ON STAGE BUT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD SO I CALLED HIM BACK SLASH ... AND I'M AN A$$HOLE ..

   My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers

   In my house I'm the main boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   Tomorrow is December 1st.... The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning now till Christmas Eve!

   I just returned from a Christmas concert put on by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

   They need to stop remaking A Christmas Carol. The Muppets did it the best. Everyone else needs to sit down and move on

   I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up again and ruin Christmas again this year.

   I accidentally took my dogs meds this morning...TELL ME I'M A GOOD BOY ... I'M A GOOD BOY RIGHT ? WANNA SCRATCH MY BUTT ? CAN I SMELL YOURS ?

   Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas play

   If you bought a fruitcake this past weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   Don't forget that today is "small business Saturday" so only subscribe to OnlyFans accounts in your town

   Damn, Girl. Are you Black Friday? 'Cause I'm wondering what your deal is.

   Girlfriend asked me if I seen the dog bowl. I said no but that would be very interesting.

   I accidentally took my cats meds this morning... Don't ask meow.

   "Enjoy the warm glow of family and friends this holiday season." ~ crematorium slogan.

   We live in a " paper straw wrapped in plastic" kind of world. It's all stupid