Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone throws you to the wolves, come back leading the pack.

   I'm a Trust Fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself.

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   Guys, your wife works hard all day. Is it too much to ask for you to get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and plug it in so that it will be ready when she gets home?

   Dense fog advisory. Couldn't you just say its moisture content doesn't go all the way to the top stratosphere? Calling it dense seems pretty insensitive.

   Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can't stop stripping.

   Don't laugh at adults that still believe in Santa Clause, we have adults that still believe in Joe's build back better.

   High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.

   Where do I sign to get micro-chipped and controlled by the government, I'm tired of making my own decisions

   Have they released any official figures yet on how many lives were saved by taping arrows on the floors of supermarket aisles?

   If your main concern is what pronouns people call you, then you are one of the most privileged people in the world.

   I agree with my orange messiah. Terminate the constitution!

   Does anyone know when walmart is sending out the W2's, I've been doing "self checkout" all year Long!!!!!

   I'm skipping the house-building stage, saving time and effort. I'm just gonna eat all the gingerbread and frosting first. Yum!

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   Can’t believe we don’t have world peace after changing the name on pancake boxes and syrup bottles

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Joke telling advice: If you tell a joke and nobody laughs, you're not going to improve the situation by yelling, "Ha! Ha! Ya get it?!!"

   Spilling is the equivalent