Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand.

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   Canadian sex is like American sex but with more apologizing and less guns.

   . When Chewbacca needs to go does he use a toilet, or dose Han Solo take him for a walk?

   One of Kim's buddies called Pence a dummy, so Trump cancelled the meeting. Not making that up. That literally happened. This is middle school-level drama.

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   Florida and Texas send out a zombie alert to residents.

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   (inventor of the ladder) I’m gonna french kiss that giraffe

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   Hey, Starbucks...looks like your “Open Borders” policy kinda failed miserably after 2 day’s, huh?! Imagine that...

   People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

   USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"