Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am 32 yrs old. I just googled what "Gluten" was. I had no idea.....

   Someone gave me a free pen without their knowledge today. Well, I took a pen.

   Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...

   "Just rewards: Being the judge that willbe judging a hearing of your high school bully."

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is

   What kind of psychopath scrambles their eggs in the pan rather than before they’re put in the pan?

   I’m the way I am because of that very first time I sneezed and no one blessed me.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life? ...... I do.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   "Wonder why no one came to the kamikaze pilot's reunion dinner."

   Assuming intelligence on some people is a big mistake you will regret.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.

   On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...

   It's so hot out that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the facts? I said I sure have....... I got married.

   It's so hot that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   If you can lay on the floor without holding on...... You're not drunk.

   I'm sorry to say, but the swamp is still alive and well. There's no denying that.

   If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?