Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.

   Moms, Save money on cereal by putting generic cereal in a bran name box. That way the kids will never know their eating generic cereal.

   "Read a weather book about rainbows called Rainbows by Sunny Showers."

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   "Why is trump so hard on fake news? After fake news is what got him elected.

   I wonder what other phone calls Cohen has recorded?

   Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.

   I predict a low-speed police chase at some point, with Trump in a golf cart and Rudy driving.

   The music band, Queen, said they misspoke on one of their song lyrics. They meant to say, We WON'T Rock You.

   I'm so poor growing up that we couldn't afford hamburger helper so we bought beef assistant.

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word.

   What if the Russians really did hack the elections and foiled the Left's plan to rig the election and now they are mad at Trump

   In school I think all of our wives got straight A's in buyology.

   So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m

   If there was such a thing as a tax on brains Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would be due a refund.

   I wish I was a Unicorn so I could stab people with my head.

   Woman are the only creatures to defly the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

   Texbook: a tex message that way too long.

   Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!

   Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.